Why I Still Feel Guilty About Celebrating Halloween

Photo: StyleBlazer 

I was scared of everything as a child. I remember the intro music to “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” but never saw a full episode. Why? Because I’d change the channel immediately. I even gave Chuckie Finster on “Rugrats” a side-eye, concluding he must have some relation to the serial killer doll with the same red hair.

There were plenty of nights I slept right between my parents in their bed for fear of one thing or another. “America’s Most Wanted,” forget about it. And the idea of haunted houses petrified me– luckily I didn’t live on ancient burial ground. Nonetheless, I was constantly scared or “scary” as my childhood friends would say.

So, the religious cap on my Halloween fun from my mother, was never a big deal. I actually thought it was quite endearing for her to dress me up as an African princess or doctor for my elementary school’s annual Halloween parade. And as you can tell by the photo above, I got creative with it. Not sure if I was a pumpkin or couture model in this one, but I werked it.

But as I got older and my cuteness inevitably wore off, it was harder to pull such costumes off.

In middle school when trick-or-treating was considered a professional sport, I often stayed home and passed out candy, watching a Disney Halloween movie to feel included in the festivities. The concept of Harvest Day was introduced in later years, where the church would dress children up as fall vegetables and fruit instead of sinister characters all to feel included.

But we all knew the attempt was disingenuous.

All this to say, this avoidance and extra creativity of the holiday gave me an uneasy feeling. It almost made it more pronounced for me than those who just dress up. It never fails that someone will ask me what I “plan to be” or what I’m “coming to the office party as” and I make an excuse up. Seemingly lackadaisical about the whole thing, what truly lies at the root of my indifference is the idea that it’s a sinful day.

With children dressed as ghouls, devils and zombies I have never understood how a sense of guilt or wrongness isn’t felt by everyone involved. The concept of wanting to be scared makes no sense to me also. Why would anyone want to feel uncomfortable?

How does the Creator feel about such devilish things? Heavy thoughts, and more, cross my mind.

To be honest, the consensus is still out on my feelings about Halloween. I won’t say I’m truly settled with idea of putting on another face for the day or watching horror movies to explore the idea of other worlds. But I can say, I’ve loosened up a bit. I see the fun in being something lighthearted [like these ideas] and just partying in the name of the fall season.

I can’t guarantee I’ll be anything myself this year, but I can say I’ll always enjoy seeing people have good fun. And hopefully, that’s the true spirit of Halloween.

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